Chapter 9 – Accepting who I am

Stardate 280817 as of writing I think I’m finally coming to accept who I am as an individual and in short this is my story of being a Bi-Sexual male in the 21st Century.

It all began a few years ago I’d say around 2015 I started to explore my sexuality I had tried online dating it wasn’t going so well, but I though I wonder what some of the males on these dating sites looked like so I changed my profile to bi-sexual interested in males and the response was un fucking real! Now I rejected 100% of “send pics” “wanna fuk bb” I’m not into that at all… I was looking for a relationship a spiritual bond one may say, I wanted an emotional connection and after a few weeks that what I had received we chatted daily it started off with discussing who was hotter Chris Pratt or Joseph Mazzello (Tim from Jurassic Park) now I was a Pratt fan but I have to say after these conversations I can understand why he was a Mazzello fan! I digress these conversations where delightful I felt a bond with this man I had feelings I never thought I could have! But the question of sex came up my response was right now I have no interest I want to know somebody/you emotionally and get a real connection and see how things go, the response was “I like that and I like you” my heart was set, was this really happening? am I really thinking of dating a man? what would my family think? FUCK the world around me collapsed the thought of my family not accepting me was the worst I wouldn’t be able to live with myself… so  I went to my grandmother I always went to her with questions and I was oddly blunt and said “I think I’m Bi” her response will always stick with me it went something along these lines “no you’re not you want a family with children” “you’re life will change some people will not like it” “some people may not talk to you” as a 19 year old male those are not the things you want to hear and I was devastated and hopped straight back into that closet and stopped all conversation with the man I was talking to. A decision that I still regret to this day, what might have been? I could of been happy… Now lets skip forward a few months…

Tim Cook comes out as being gay, this re-sparked my thought process of my sexuality came into the foreground once more, I saw all of the pride flags people being happy for who they are, this always put a smile on my face, Now I start questioning myself who am I is this what I really want “I’m an indecisive fucker” am I doing this because others are doing it? do I just want to fit in? do straight men have the same thought of man I would like to cuddle or hold hands with that man over there? and I still ask those questions today with still no real response…

Let’s jump forward again earlier this year I sent a picture to my mum of the apple pride bands for the apple watch (my mum loves rainbows) her response was (I did check) “Love the rainbow band x do you have something to tell me *kiss emoji*” now this was a subtle way to see how my mum would respond and from that I would class that as a “I’ve known before you did” but did I come out then no, no I did not and for reasons way beyond my knowledge I don’t know why I didn’t say the truth then. Well I do! what would they say? would the instantly assume I’m gay not Bi? or is it just the fact that I’d be heading into the unknown (ding ding ding thats a major one right there!)

Let’s jump forward to now, I came out to a friends dad after a dinner party and his response was “I had a thought you might be” really!? in my head but come to think about it I wear a pride watchband, I’m openly telling my male friends how good they look (and female friends I may add!) and I suppose being in a new land meeting new people they see the new me the me that doesn’t shy away the person who is a changed man and people back home would think I’m acting strange but now looking back, I was acting strange then and didn’t know it! But yes my name is Ciarán and I’m Bi-Sexual and proud!

 

**Side Note**

Bi-Sexuality to the world is a funky fucker! what is it really now to me I’ll explain how I see it in my eyes.

For me I’m more sexually attracted to females but I find the emotional bond hard to make I can make friendships easy but I just can’t seem to find that emotional connection I desire, But with a male it’s quite the opposite I’m attracted physically to males but not all (duhhh, and not like porn star body’s I now see how females hate being sexualised) But i’m significantly more picky! but I feel I can respond emotionally better to a male I feel a bond that I’m happy with, Now back to my obsession with TV dramas I want a future like Cam and Mitch from Modern Family but with either a male or female I just want that happy relationship that others are happy to be around! back to reality… Yeah I suppose that’s me and what will make me happy male/female who really cares as long as ol’ Ciarán is happy over here

 

*life advise*

GO AND BE FUCKING HAPPY, Don’t do what I did and hide behind a fake barrier and not be you, It will suck and I know I might loose people in my life but that’s life kids you can’t please everybody but you can give it a bloody good shot!

 

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Chapter 8 – Operation Summer Part I

Stardate 200817 I have Operation Summer has now been completed and I can confirm it was a bloody good success! The premise of Operation Summer was to get away from routine and away from the big city to a place where I can experience nature and live a tranquil life. After working at CIBC for 6 months sat in an office looking out over city hall I had a realisation that I had become comfy with my life as explained in Chapter 7 this was not good! So I decided that I would work in a summer camp for the summer with the intention just to get out of the city explore nature and maybe make a few friends but after 3 months I can say I have made friends for life, pushed my social boundaries way beyond their limits and explored nature a lot!

Lets jump back and tell the tale of Operation Sumer (It will be written how I would write on the day, no time for past tense Bull$hit here)

Stardate 010617 I have packed up all my belongings once again living out of a 75L backpack its all fun and games (trust me) I have successfully made my way to Toronto airport, ski jacket in hand it’s too big to place into my rucksack shame… I sat down at the bar and ordered a beer (it was around 8:00pm) The guy sat next to me was a fellow brit and by the end of my beer I wanted to strangle this guy he would not stop talking to me, Look I enjoy conversation as much as the next guy but I know fuck all about the city your from and the business your in sorry… after this dilemma of leaving and coming off as rude or staying and pulling my hair out my flight was called “Flight for Calgary is boarding” finally Operation Summer is a go! After landing in Calgary it was gone midnight I had called an Uber and waited for around 15 minutes I realised I was in the wrong pickup spot whoops and my driver canceled on me (if your reading this Uber driver my apologies) after that stormshow I arrived at the hostel dumped my bags and set off to find some food as I was as hungry as the wolf! but could I find an open food establishment could I bollocks so I went to the dollar store (why was it open at an ungodly time) and bought some $1 cookies and ate around 24 in one sitting (no judgment required I’m a pig and I’m proud of it!) and then making my way back to the hostel I lay my head down and had a ruddy good sleep!

**note to past me, I hate you for writing all this up now**

Stardate 020617 after refuling my body with sleep juice I was ready to explore a new city it began with a walk downtown I went the the classist of food establishments A&W it was a mediocre breakfast slightly disappointed in myself looking back but hey what are you going to do about it… I then walked down the the river and a local park I started to message Taff about calgary we had a discussion that the time zone was a bitch as it was morning here and late afternoon there crazy going from 5 hours to 7 hours difference! after the exchange of messages and pictures of geese I headed back into the city centre and headed to the Glenbow museum it was pleasantly nice, learnt some Canadian history and seeing some delightful rocks and minerals (I enjoy any museum that has rocks and minerals) I briefly explored the history of Calgary in all honesty I can’t remember jack all that they hosted the Winter Olympics once… And then I headed off on a bicycle trip and man It ended up being on heck of a trip in total around 23km not to shabby considering I haven’t cycled in over 6 months! after having a Donair kebab in the middle of nowhere and after arriving there was one thing on my mind BEER! I cracked open the couchsurfing app and within moments I had met a group of people and we all chatted grabbed a few drinks and a bite to eat overall a pretty delightful and unexpected day of exercise and socialising!

**Is this written in past or present tense I have no clue now, great job me**

Stardate 030617 today is moving day! I finally get to leave the city once more and head off to the delightful Sylvan Lake, but that’s not until late afternoon so lets go and explore a bit more *ping* I receive and email from Nyquest (the company I work for) one of your fellow workers is in the same hostel! finally I get to meet a new person and explore calgary, Now that didn’t happen quite as easily as that it involved multiple emails and around a full day of pinging back and forth to finally make a meeting spot! **I can’t remember what we did or how long** so there we are it’s late afternoon waiting for are new boss to pick us up and my goodness I was as nervous as a turkey on thanksgiving. But finally we get picked up and after a metric fuck tonne of questions we arrive at the airport to pick up another councillor Yojan at the time I didn’t know that this man would become on of my best friends and camp husband. Now I backtrack imagine an irish girl, english man and a canadian in an airport waiting for a Mexican, the Canadian goes up to  a Mexican looking fellow and goes “YOJAN” I’m going to pause the blog what do you think happened here, A)It was Yojan, B)It wasn’t Yojan or C) It wasn’t Yojan and the guy seemed rather irritated to be racially profiled… If you picked C DING DING DING you’re a winner! Now I fell that that is a story better told in person if you ever speak to me I’ll tell you the story… now back to driving to Sylvan around 2 hours later we arrived tired and ready for bed and you know what I did I re-fueled my body with sleep juice

**Who the fuck though this was a good idea to write about**

Part II will include the first day of being at camp and a few highlights from training, It will be written soonTM

Chapter 7 – Routine = Comfort

Stardate 120517 It has been quite some time since my last update life has got in the way and by got in the way I mean I fell into a routine eughh I have nobody to blame but myself but I’ve had enough of going through the motions of waking up at 6:30am heading to work grab a Tims *no other coffee franchises available*, answer some IT calls (by some I mean a fuck tonne) have some lunch homemade of course I’m not made of money except on a Wednesday where I like to go to Burger King *other franchises are available* and grab a 2 for $5 deal (not to shabby but it is flabby tehee) get home for 4:30pm watch some TV cook dinner and lunch for the next day and go to bed for 9:00pm. I know what your thinking “whoee ciarán what I life you live eh” Gonna stop you right there and say bad, bad reader that is a terrible thought, Now you see I have become conformable not good I didn’t move half way across the world to work 9-5 or 7:30 – 3:30. I came to experience life now I have done that but not as much as I had hoped, I mean I should have worked in a bar or more hands on but I pursued my future career in IT but not in the good way sitting in a desk in a shirt and tie doesn’t do many people many good (well it does, but this is an exception) So I thought what was my original plan prior to getting work it was to gallivant around Toronto until June and then bugger of and have a fun summer so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Operation Summer is about to commence!

 

 

Chapter 6 – Time To Reflect

Stardate 080317 I was attempting to write this yesterday as a 3 month update but I thought this is a good time to reflect on my life at only 20 I feel that I have seen and done more than others my age maybe it’s due to never going to University or maybe it’s due to my un willingness to conform to standards as much as I want to my mind just wants to do its own thing this can cause issues as I tend to gaze into space and people have noted this and they always ask what I’m staring at the answer is nothing It’s just that I can’t close my eyes otherwise people will thing I’m just sleeping I’m not sleeping i’m dreaming with my eyes open… I digress once more I have started to question what I’m doing with my life what do I want to do where do I want to be in 5, 10 ,15 years and the answer is I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do, see, learn or work I have no set path I suppose that can be seen as a good thing but in this world I beleive it’s a bad thing as I should really consider getting some fancy paper with letters on it but then what use is that i already have 4 years of work experience in 2 fields engineering and IT I suppose right now they are an asset but in 10 years time it will either be so Mr.Stokes you have 14 years of expericnece in real world but none on paper why? Once again the answer would be I just don’t know right now…

Back to reflection as I sit in a vegan cafe again I some how just keep finding them after I ask for milk and the barista always scoffs *fuck me alright I didn’t know, I like cow juice sorry!* I look around and listen to the gentle guitar background music I notice some paintings on the wall attempting to figure them out, But I know deep inside I don’t know anything about them and I’m just using them to keep my mind busy as I’ve had a lot in there recently more than usual Taff knows about it. and I said to him it’s a story that I want to keep to myself but at the same time I want to share. I can dish out a little hint it’s due to me being to intouch with my emotions I develop feelings far too fast and have flash backs and flash fronts about my current future and past experences I can feel them it’s both great and horrible my pulse increases the tension increases I’m reliving the same moments over and over until somehting can take it’s place alas this time its been 4 days and I’m still seeing this vividly. I’m sure eveybody has these thoughts but I feel that most don’t discuss them or even think about them I’m almost too concious of my concious. man that felt pretty good to write.

Overall I feel that my life has been pretty great I’ve met some amazing people and I’ve left some amazing people I have my best friends at home, I have my drinking friends, ex co-workers and others but what’s it all for do they think about me as I do them? that’s the problem we are too busy wanting to know about others whilst we know nothing about ourselves. Take 10 minutes and just stare your mind will eventually fill in the blanks and you’ll be at peace just don’t think too hard you don’t want to put manufctured thoughts they are already there. you just have to let them come out.

Chapter 5 – Girl Problems

Stardate 230217 I have been working for 1 month and within that time I have become ever closer with a female companion, It was an instant sense of belonging and sense of this is it ciarán your here in a strange new land go get her… alas writing this I have lost those feelings almost loosing that sense of friendship maybe I’m just over complicating things who knows it is me after all! but in a nutshell maybe I’m just naive when it comes to women or maybe I just watch to many sitcoms take JD for example I like JD his personalty his ego man I wish I was just an ounce like that but at the same time it would take away from who I really am somebody who wants to be somebody else… But back to the topic tonight was in french terms a “shit show” my lady friend asked if I would like to play some tennis after work with her and her cousin sure why not whats the worst that could happen **find out next time on This Is My Life** but seriously it led me to write a blog update that’s either a terrible thing or a great things as it’s bypassed speaking to Taff since he’s in Dubai and I don’t want to dull the mood… So there I am waiting for the next train to Finch (subway station in toronto) and over the tannoy *delays on line 2 please make your way to the surface for shuttle busses* so I texted lady friend and said

Heyo delays at st.clare

Yeah this is a shit show

I’m going to head home

Too busy

And yes that is my actual text I was partially relieved as my gut really didn’t want to go play tennis but my goddam gentleman parts got in the way I mean for my age thats a damn fine thing but for a social awkward, self conscious young adult its a pissing nightmare. anyway back to the station so lady friend replays saying that she is at the surface come up and see me… *fuck* is my initial thought but I’ve had this sudden urge just to try things to get a good story and yes It did work this time thank you past me. so I find lady friend at the bus station bare in mind that there is around 300 people waiting for a handful of busses well done TTC *slow clap* so I make some small talk not my finest moment but I got a laugh *score* and lady friend informs me that she invited an old work college (sure whatever I don’t care *winces*) and lady friend says that we are going back to friends house OK I say I start reading my book as I’m kind of in that I don’t want to be here anymore but I don’t want to be rude and leave so yeah that’s an issue of mine I suppose. so we arrive at friends apartment and it’s like something from one of those American sitcoms where they have a really really modern and nice apartment but they work as a dishwasher or something along those lines not dissing dishwashers (looking at you Casey Neistat) but this put me in an uneasy mood I can’t explain why it just did (I do know I just don’t want to write it down) (I’ll tell Taff about it when I speak to him miss you Taff xoxo) But we ended up watching some utter shite program I have no idea what it was about I completely zoned out I did a JD tilted my head to the left and just started to day dream I was in my happy place (thinking about how to write this blog) and then it dawned on me I was chasing something that wasn’t going to happen I was wasting valuable resources on something that I no longer wanted I no longer have an interest in lady friend it just hit me like a tonne of bricks I don’t know what triggered it but It finally happened I was almost set free I got up and just said “yeah I’m going home” and then lady friend said she was also leaving so we walked to the subway station and parted ways I just sat on the train and continued to read my book somewhat please with what I had achieved not much to the outside but to me it felt significant and after typing this out it seemed oddly un-climatic as is life children life isn’t like the movies life is what you make of it and what I made out of it is don’t go chasing a feeling that is only one way (like running up an escalator thats going down) it’s going to be damn hard and it’s not worth the hassle just go around and take the stairs and you never know maybe the next chapter will be there.

Chapter 4 – 2 Months Later

Star date 010217 Operation:Toronto has taken place and has been in action for 1 month and the challenge has been harder than expected moving from a Rural town in the middle of Derbyshire to a multicultural heaven of over 2 million people was quite the difference even the Halifax transition period didn’t assist as much as I though it would of! However my job hunting went significantly better than expected! I planned to get a job within 2 months that was grossly exaggerated it turned out to be closer to 2 days (that sounds good and yes it is but it was a shock!) So I had to see the sights in a shorter period than expected a week but In hind site that was plenty of time to see the “big” things ROM, CN Tower, Aquarium, City Hall yada yada yeta… and STEAM WHISTLE BREWERY (hell yes) that is single handedly the greatest tour! $20 for a tour and 3 beers hell yes! But back to the issue at hand the transition between country and city…

I grew up in a small town/village in the middle of the UK population of my village was around 6,000 people and the town close to 22,000 now that could be considered a lot but in reality it’s a very small amount of people! I was a mere walk away from rolling fields and forests here it’s a concrete jungle that I always dreamed of but as they say never meet your idols it always brings disappointment and this was no exception. I wanted to do things meet people do activities, they are all there but everybody wants to do that you go somewhere it’s full, busy, heaving! now I’m not the biggest fan of confined spaces full of people (looking at you TTC) but I can deal with that as I HAVE to do that. but choosing do to that (pardon my french) fuck that… so yes technically i’m to blame for not taking part but that’s not who I am I like to be with a small group of buddys chatting away having a few beers but that isn’t a thing here in the city it’s all disco tech  dancing not chatting! (yes I was born in the wrong time era) But I have decided to power on through. I spend time with my housemates we cook together chat over beers watch movies living the simple life (I like that) But I think I will only spend a few months here until May I think and then I will move some place smaller I’m not sure where a small town/city nothing big no Vancouver as a vacation sure but to live no can do… maybe I’ll go back east to PEI spend more time near the coast or maybe head over to Alberta time will tell but until then I shall try to enjoy my time here save some money and continue living the dream. and living the dream is hard I’m not going to sugarcoat it to myself it’s been a change I’ve had to adapt push my boundaries but I will make me a better person I hope and with time and effort I will be able to enjoy everything through the hard times and the good times.

100117 – Toronto

Well I have settled into my new place here in Toronto, It’s nice plenty of room to move big enough kitchen bathroom you know the standard things. Alas I have one gripe I’m the only english speaking person here now that’s strange and I mean it would of been nice to know before but I suppose that’s all part of the adventure! I have explored the surronding area (ish) there isn’t a lot within walking distance (depentand upon walking distance) the underground is a 10 minute walk so not too far but enough. on the topic of undergrounds it’s old school compared to the London underground no contactless barriers just loose change and NFC enabled cards (I should get one of those $3.25 for one journey will start to add up. Anyway I took the underground to Queen a station next to the Town Hall oddly pleasent but compared to the old Town Hall it reminded me of an old school english council flat from the 80s when concrete beasts was concidered “futuristic” alas nobody was there maybe it’s because it’s a Tuesday or maybe people are at work and aren’t interested in Town Halls who knows. But the people I did meet where so busy like eveything was rushed, comparing to Halifax where everybody was friendly nothing felt rushed the little granny at Timmys was so pleasent compared to the out of country student who was doing it because they have to (sorry for the sad outlook it got to me) I suppose that is the issue with living in a City I hope to get over these emoions and start enjoying the city on the other hand I’ve been here for less than 48hrs and they say Rome wasn’t built in a day and that can be said for my outlook on moving. before I left Halifax my mind was in Toronto but my body was there alas it’s now vise versa my Body is here but my mind is in Halifax.