Chapter 6 – Time To Reflect

Stardate 080317 I was attempting to write this yesterday as a 3 month update but I thought this is a good time to reflect on my life at only 20 I feel that I have seen and done more than others my age maybe it’s due to never going to University or maybe it’s due to my un willingness to conform to standards as much as I want to my mind just wants to do its own thing this can cause issues as I tend to gaze into space and people have noted this and they always ask what I’m staring at the answer is nothing It’s just that I can’t close my eyes otherwise people will thing I’m just sleeping I’m not sleeping i’m dreaming with my eyes open… I digress once more I have started to question what I’m doing with my life what do I want to do where do I want to be in 5, 10 ,15 years and the answer is I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do, see, learn or work I have no set path I suppose that can be seen as a good thing but in this world I beleive it’s a bad thing as I should really consider getting some fancy paper with letters on it but then what use is that i already have 4 years of work experience in 2 fields engineering and IT I suppose right now they are an asset but in 10 years time it will either be so Mr.Stokes you have 14 years of expericnece in real world but none on paper why? Once again the answer would be I just don’t know right now…

Back to reflection as I sit in a vegan cafe again I some how just keep finding them after I ask for milk and the barista always scoffs *fuck me alright I didn’t know, I like cow juice sorry!* I look around and listen to the gentle guitar background music I notice some paintings on the wall attempting to figure them out, But I know deep inside I don’t know anything about them and I’m just using them to keep my mind busy as I’ve had a lot in there recently more than usual Taff knows about it. and I said to him it’s a story that I want to keep to myself but at the same time I want to share. I can dish out a little hint it’s due to me being to intouch with my emotions I develop feelings far too fast and have flash backs and flash fronts about my current future and past experences I can feel them it’s both great and horrible my pulse increases the tension increases I’m reliving the same moments over and over until somehting can take it’s place alas this time its been 4 days and I’m still seeing this vividly. I’m sure eveybody has these thoughts but I feel that most don’t discuss them or even think about them I’m almost too concious of my concious. man that felt pretty good to write.

Overall I feel that my life has been pretty great I’ve met some amazing people and I’ve left some amazing people I have my best friends at home, I have my drinking friends, ex co-workers and others but what’s it all for do they think about me as I do them? that’s the problem we are too busy wanting to know about others whilst we know nothing about ourselves. Take 10 minutes and just stare your mind will eventually fill in the blanks and you’ll be at peace just don’t think too hard you don’t want to put manufctured thoughts they are already there. you just have to let them come out.

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Author: stokelton

University drop out, went to South East Asia for 21 days and now living in Canada, What the fuck happened I have no idea! But join me as I share my tales!

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