Chapter 7 – Routine = Comfort

Stardate 120517 It has been quite some time since my last update life has got in the way and by got in the way I mean I fell into a routine eughh I have nobody to blame but myself but I’ve had enough of going through the motions of waking up at 6:30am heading to work grab a Tims *no other coffee franchises available*, answer some IT calls (by some I mean a fuck tonne) have some lunch homemade of course I’m not made of money except on a Wednesday where I like to go to Burger King *other franchises are available* and grab a 2 for $5 deal (not to shabby but it is flabby tehee) get home for 4:30pm watch some TV cook dinner and lunch for the next day and go to bed for 9:00pm. I know what your thinking “whoee ciarán what I life you live eh” Gonna stop you right there and say bad, bad reader that is a terrible thought, Now you see I have become conformable not good I didn’t move half way across the world to work 9-5 or 7:30 – 3:30. I came to experience life now I have done that but not as much as I had hoped, I mean I should have worked in a bar or more hands on but I pursued my future career in IT but not in the good way sitting in a desk in a shirt and tie doesn’t do many people many good (well it does, but this is an exception) So I thought what was my original plan prior to getting work it was to gallivant around Toronto until June and then bugger of and have a fun summer so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Operation Summer is about to commence!

 

 

Chapter 6 – Time To Reflect

Stardate 080317 I was attempting to write this yesterday as a 3 month update but I thought this is a good time to reflect on my life at only 20 I feel that I have seen and done more than others my age maybe it’s due to never going to University or maybe it’s due to my un willingness to conform to standards as much as I want to my mind just wants to do its own thing this can cause issues as I tend to gaze into space and people have noted this and they always ask what I’m staring at the answer is nothing It’s just that I can’t close my eyes otherwise people will thing I’m just sleeping I’m not sleeping i’m dreaming with my eyes open… I digress once more I have started to question what I’m doing with my life what do I want to do where do I want to be in 5, 10 ,15 years and the answer is I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do, see, learn or work I have no set path I suppose that can be seen as a good thing but in this world I beleive it’s a bad thing as I should really consider getting some fancy paper with letters on it but then what use is that i already have 4 years of work experience in 2 fields engineering and IT I suppose right now they are an asset but in 10 years time it will either be so Mr.Stokes you have 14 years of expericnece in real world but none on paper why? Once again the answer would be I just don’t know right now…

Back to reflection as I sit in a vegan cafe again I some how just keep finding them after I ask for milk and the barista always scoffs *fuck me alright I didn’t know, I like cow juice sorry!* I look around and listen to the gentle guitar background music I notice some paintings on the wall attempting to figure them out, But I know deep inside I don’t know anything about them and I’m just using them to keep my mind busy as I’ve had a lot in there recently more than usual Taff knows about it. and I said to him it’s a story that I want to keep to myself but at the same time I want to share. I can dish out a little hint it’s due to me being to intouch with my emotions I develop feelings far too fast and have flash backs and flash fronts about my current future and past experences I can feel them it’s both great and horrible my pulse increases the tension increases I’m reliving the same moments over and over until somehting can take it’s place alas this time its been 4 days and I’m still seeing this vividly. I’m sure eveybody has these thoughts but I feel that most don’t discuss them or even think about them I’m almost too concious of my concious. man that felt pretty good to write.

Overall I feel that my life has been pretty great I’ve met some amazing people and I’ve left some amazing people I have my best friends at home, I have my drinking friends, ex co-workers and others but what’s it all for do they think about me as I do them? that’s the problem we are too busy wanting to know about others whilst we know nothing about ourselves. Take 10 minutes and just stare your mind will eventually fill in the blanks and you’ll be at peace just don’t think too hard you don’t want to put manufctured thoughts they are already there. you just have to let them come out.

Chapter 5 – Girl Problems

Stardate 230217 I have been working for 1 month and within that time I have become ever closer with a female companion, It was an instant sense of belonging and sense of this is it ciarán your here in a strange new land go get her… alas writing this I have lost those feelings almost loosing that sense of friendship maybe I’m just over complicating things who knows it is me after all! but in a nutshell maybe I’m just naive when it comes to women or maybe I just watch to many sitcoms take JD for example I like JD his personalty his ego man I wish I was just an ounce like that but at the same time it would take away from who I really am somebody who wants to be somebody else… But back to the topic tonight was in french terms a “shit show” my lady friend asked if I would like to play some tennis after work with her and her cousin sure why not whats the worst that could happen **find out next time on This Is My Life** but seriously it led me to write a blog update that’s either a terrible thing or a great things as it’s bypassed speaking to Taff since he’s in Dubai and I don’t want to dull the mood… So there I am waiting for the next train to Finch (subway station in toronto) and over the tannoy *delays on line 2 please make your way to the surface for shuttle busses* so I texted lady friend and said

Heyo delays at st.clare

Yeah this is a shit show

I’m going to head home

Too busy

And yes that is my actual text I was partially relieved as my gut really didn’t want to go play tennis but my goddam gentleman parts got in the way I mean for my age thats a damn fine thing but for a social awkward, self conscious young adult its a pissing nightmare. anyway back to the station so lady friend replays saying that she is at the surface come up and see me… *fuck* is my initial thought but I’ve had this sudden urge just to try things to get a good story and yes It did work this time thank you past me. so I find lady friend at the bus station bare in mind that there is around 300 people waiting for a handful of busses well done TTC *slow clap* so I make some small talk not my finest moment but I got a laugh *score* and lady friend informs me that she invited an old work college (sure whatever I don’t care *winces*) and lady friend says that we are going back to friends house OK I say I start reading my book as I’m kind of in that I don’t want to be here anymore but I don’t want to be rude and leave so yeah that’s an issue of mine I suppose. so we arrive at friends apartment and it’s like something from one of those American sitcoms where they have a really really modern and nice apartment but they work as a dishwasher or something along those lines not dissing dishwashers (looking at you Casey Neistat) but this put me in an uneasy mood I can’t explain why it just did (I do know I just don’t want to write it down) (I’ll tell Taff about it when I speak to him miss you Taff xoxo) But we ended up watching some utter shite program I have no idea what it was about I completely zoned out I did a JD tilted my head to the left and just started to day dream I was in my happy place (thinking about how to write this blog) and then it dawned on me I was chasing something that wasn’t going to happen I was wasting valuable resources on something that I no longer wanted I no longer have an interest in lady friend it just hit me like a tonne of bricks I don’t know what triggered it but It finally happened I was almost set free I got up and just said “yeah I’m going home” and then lady friend said she was also leaving so we walked to the subway station and parted ways I just sat on the train and continued to read my book somewhat please with what I had achieved not much to the outside but to me it felt significant and after typing this out it seemed oddly un-climatic as is life children life isn’t like the movies life is what you make of it and what I made out of it is don’t go chasing a feeling that is only one way (like running up an escalator thats going down) it’s going to be damn hard and it’s not worth the hassle just go around and take the stairs and you never know maybe the next chapter will be there.

Chapter 4 – 2 Months Later

Star date 010217 Operation:Toronto has taken place and has been in action for 1 month and the challenge has been harder than expected moving from a Rural town in the middle of Derbyshire to a multicultural heaven of over 2 million people was quite the difference even the Halifax transition period didn’t assist as much as I though it would of! However my job hunting went significantly better than expected! I planned to get a job within 2 months that was grossly exaggerated it turned out to be closer to 2 days (that sounds good and yes it is but it was a shock!) So I had to see the sights in a shorter period than expected a week but In hind site that was plenty of time to see the “big” things ROM, CN Tower, Aquarium, City Hall yada yada yeta… and STEAM WHISTLE BREWERY (hell yes) that is single handedly the greatest tour! $20 for a tour and 3 beers hell yes! But back to the issue at hand the transition between country and city…

I grew up in a small town/village in the middle of the UK population of my village was around 6,000 people and the town close to 22,000 now that could be considered a lot but in reality it’s a very small amount of people! I was a mere walk away from rolling fields and forests here it’s a concrete jungle that I always dreamed of but as they say never meet your idols it always brings disappointment and this was no exception. I wanted to do things meet people do activities, they are all there but everybody wants to do that you go somewhere it’s full, busy, heaving! now I’m not the biggest fan of confined spaces full of people (looking at you TTC) but I can deal with that as I HAVE to do that. but choosing do to that (pardon my french) fuck that… so yes technically i’m to blame for not taking part but that’s not who I am I like to be with a small group of buddys chatting away having a few beers but that isn’t a thing here in the city it’s all disco tech  dancing not chatting! (yes I was born in the wrong time era) But I have decided to power on through. I spend time with my housemates we cook together chat over beers watch movies living the simple life (I like that) But I think I will only spend a few months here until May I think and then I will move some place smaller I’m not sure where a small town/city nothing big no Vancouver as a vacation sure but to live no can do… maybe I’ll go back east to PEI spend more time near the coast or maybe head over to Alberta time will tell but until then I shall try to enjoy my time here save some money and continue living the dream. and living the dream is hard I’m not going to sugarcoat it to myself it’s been a change I’ve had to adapt push my boundaries but I will make me a better person I hope and with time and effort I will be able to enjoy everything through the hard times and the good times.

100117 – Toronto

Well I have settled into my new place here in Toronto, It’s nice plenty of room to move big enough kitchen bathroom you know the standard things. Alas I have one gripe I’m the only english speaking person here now that’s strange and I mean it would of been nice to know before but I suppose that’s all part of the adventure! I have explored the surronding area (ish) there isn’t a lot within walking distance (depentand upon walking distance) the underground is a 10 minute walk so not too far but enough. on the topic of undergrounds it’s old school compared to the London underground no contactless barriers just loose change and NFC enabled cards (I should get one of those $3.25 for one journey will start to add up. Anyway I took the underground to Queen a station next to the Town Hall oddly pleasent but compared to the old Town Hall it reminded me of an old school english council flat from the 80s when concrete beasts was concidered “futuristic” alas nobody was there maybe it’s because it’s a Tuesday or maybe people are at work and aren’t interested in Town Halls who knows. But the people I did meet where so busy like eveything was rushed, comparing to Halifax where everybody was friendly nothing felt rushed the little granny at Timmys was so pleasent compared to the out of country student who was doing it because they have to (sorry for the sad outlook it got to me) I suppose that is the issue with living in a City I hope to get over these emoions and start enjoying the city on the other hand I’ve been here for less than 48hrs and they say Rome wasn’t built in a day and that can be said for my outlook on moving. before I left Halifax my mind was in Toronto but my body was there alas it’s now vise versa my Body is here but my mind is in Halifax.

Chapter 3 – 1 Month Later

Star date 090117 I have embarked on the next mission Operation:Toronto I have had a eye opening experience in Halifax and after spending a month there I can now share my thoughts and outlook on my first month…

First of it was strange being away from home for over a month I know my friends have gone to university but that is only a few hours drive I’m whole flight away! that seems like a long way but in reality it’s nothing I can be home in less than 24hrs if it was called upon (like a spy, by spy I mean a Johnny English kinda spy) I have yet to feel the emotions of homesickness maybe I’m heartless or maybe It’s in my blood to be away from home for extended periods or it could just be that I have a FaceTime call every Sunday I do look forward to that (when I’ve had an interesting week) I mean sometimes It was like oh what have you been doing? “erm I watched TV and played Super Mario Run!” but back to adventure talk! I have seen many new and interesting things from a Lighthouse to a lake WOW, But really everything I have seen is beautiful maybe it’s because I’m easily pleased or maybe I’m genuinely happy with my new life who knows I mean I should but I don’t…

Now for Christmas this is my second Christmas away from home and this year I wasn’t in a hospital so that’s a bonus right!? So we drove up? left? down? Canada to New Brunswick a 6hr drive in the snow we arrived and it was dark at the time I was sad as I wanted to see the view but looking back I’m happy we didn’t waking up and looking out the window took my breath away a lake covered in snow was one of the most beautiful things I have seen It appeared to be endless apart from the coast at the other end which would make it end dammit. Now I know what your thinking where are the photos? well I mean I could show you a photo but I fear that it wouldn’t show the true beauty. But I suppose that’s the issue with photos there is no scale a mountain looks like a hill and a lake looks like a pond… On the topic of ponds back home we call the Atlantic ocean a pond so “America is just across the pond” but here on the lake it was literal America was on the other side of the pond also It was a portal to the past as there is a 1hr time difference that was pretty cool! So whilst in the middle of nowhere I did things I never would of thought of doing… ATV, Skeet Shooting (I’m pretty good *insert trumpet blowing here*), Snow Shoeing, Ice Skating ON A LAKE!, Skiing (tumbling down a hill in style) all new experiences and all of them I wish to pursue in the future! But looking back It didn’t feel real I don’t know if everybody has this feeling but I know that I did those things but at the same time it doesn’t feel real I felt the same about South East Asia I was there I have photos and videos but they don’t feel real anybody can take a photo but few can tell a story. (can I tell a story or just tell my minds story hmmm) But as I write this once again on a plane cruising at a speed maybe it’s the cabin air or maybe it’s because I have no power nothing I can do I can let my mind wonder and instead of thinking about it I can write it down and share this thoughts with some stranger. I digress more I should really be talking about Toronto…

Toronto why there? you ask well I’ve always had an interest in living in a city the busyness the things to do the sights to see it just excites me it’s an adventure within an adventure all the different mini communities within a large one little Italy, Portugal, China new food man I love food! I hope it’s what I have in my mind maybe It’s completely different I suppose I’ll find out in less than 2hrs… But before I settle down I need to catch a train from the airport to the house at a station called bloom? blorg? something B I’ll find it trust me and then 15ish minute walk yay with my life on my back I still find that amusing that I’m attempting to live out of a backpack for 2 years I still think it’s insane but so far I’ve loved it limited cloths is the best no huge decisions of what to wear and I can’t buy anything so I both love that and hate by that I mean I can buy food and water just nothing I need to take with me! But back to serious ish talk I’m also heading to a city for work I mean surely a city will have work dishwashing sure, IT Heck Yeah! I do hopefully have a phone interview in the coming days for an IT job in downtown Toronto (ideal work spot in my head) but only time will tell if I get that position! but for now I’m going to enjoy some music by Lulek playlist “good” I mean says what it does on the tin I Suppose…

301116 – A New Life

Star Date 301116 I have now arrived in my new home for the month, I now obtain a VISA that allows me to stay in Canacda for 2 years that finally put my mind to rest I can now focus on the next stages of this adventure! so this morning I woke to my now new home I felt disorientated almost like I had forgot what had happnend maybe thats what happens when you start over again! However it was raining so it felt just like home! I headed to the shower had some ceral called EDGE (what a wierd name) and then put on my jumper raincoat and headed off for a walk to the local shopping complex or something along those lines! I was the only person walking turns out everybody here drives even if it is only a 5-10minute walk anyway I went to a very well known coffee establishemnt Tim Hortons other coffee esablishemtns are available… turns out they only sell black drip coffee AWESOME! the server seemed odly satisified when I spoke almost like a trance so I’m
going to say that my smooth british voice is a thing people will notice but not talk about. So I took my black coffee to a nice corner and watched the world go by whilst listoning to how the locals speak it varies by age so the younger people have a very subtle accent whilst the elderly have a brouder accent that doesn’t suprise me in the least. after a few moments of that I logged onto the WiFi let my mum know that I was safe and settling in that filled me with ease and I’m sure my mum was happier after that. After my morning coffee I headed to the local bank to set up a meeting for a Canadian bank account and that’s going to be Star Date 011216. However this will not be posted until 011216 as
the place I currenlty reside doesn’t have WiFi. Status update I’ve been enjoying listoning to the Tri-Force podcast and Lukes Good playlist thank god for being able to download music and podcasts! Currently off to a local grocery (supermarket) to grab some supplies did you know that you can’t buy beer or spirits in a place that also sells food, that was a surprise also your average person will drive from one store to another even if it’s a 30 second walk now that is the biggest cluture shock, my dad said it was the same when he was living in America and it was one of the reasons why he came back to the UK, hopefully when I live in Toronto it will be differnt again but only time will tell I suppose. So me and Kyle headed off for the grocery store and on the way went to see the ocean now I’ve seen the ocean many many times but this was differnt it was a cold almost storm like condidtions overcast smooth stones insead of sand. And knowing that my hope was about
5000miles away felt strange it felt homely but at the same time I felt like I was home. after our trip to the ocean we headed to a meat market I can say one thing meat is crazy expesnive like double price to the UK and maybe half the amount of meat but what can you do about it… we then headed to the local Sorbys (Tesco) grabbed the basics bread, vegtables, salmon blah blah… cooked some sausage in spagetti was pretty great had a few beers and then we reminised on our time in Thailand looked back on the photos and shared our stories and relived the moments that caused a friendship to be born.