Chapter 9 – Accepting who I am

Stardate 280817 as of writing I think I’m finally coming to accept who I am as an individual and in short this is my story of being a Bi-Sexual male in the 21st Century.

It all began a few years ago I’d say around 2015 I started to explore my sexuality I had tried online dating it wasn’t going so well, but I though I wonder what some of the males on these dating sites looked like so I changed my profile to bi-sexual interested in males and the response was un fucking real! Now I rejected 100% of “send pics” “wanna fuk bb” I’m not into that at all… I was looking for a relationship a spiritual bond one may say, I wanted an emotional connection and after a few weeks that what I had received we chatted daily it started off with discussing who was hotter Chris Pratt or Joseph Mazzello (Tim from Jurassic Park) now I was a Pratt fan but I have to say after these conversations I can understand why he was a Mazzello fan! I digress these conversations where delightful I felt a bond with this man I had feelings I never thought I could have! But the question of sex came up my response was right now I have no interest I want to know somebody/you emotionally and get a real connection and see how things go, the response was “I like that and I like you” my heart was set, was this really happening? am I really thinking of dating a man? what would my family think? FUCK the world around me collapsed the thought of my family not accepting me was the worst I wouldn’t be able to live with myself… so  I went to my grandmother I always went to her with questions and I was oddly blunt and said “I think I’m Bi” her response will always stick with me it went something along these lines “no you’re not you want a family with children” “you’re life will change some people will not like it” “some people may not talk to you” as a 19 year old male those are not the things you want to hear and I was devastated and hopped straight back into that closet and stopped all conversation with the man I was talking to. A decision that I still regret to this day, what might have been? I could of been happy… Now lets skip forward a few months…

Tim Cook comes out as being gay, this re-sparked my thought process of my sexuality came into the foreground once more, I saw all of the pride flags people being happy for who they are, this always put a smile on my face, Now I start questioning myself who am I is this what I really want “I’m an indecisive fucker” am I doing this because others are doing it? do I just want to fit in? do straight men have the same thought of man I would like to cuddle or hold hands with that man over there? and I still ask those questions today with still no real response…

Let’s jump forward again earlier this year I sent a picture to my mum of the apple pride bands for the apple watch (my mum loves rainbows) her response was (I did check) “Love the rainbow band x do you have something to tell me *kiss emoji*” now this was a subtle way to see how my mum would respond and from that I would class that as a “I’ve known before you did” but did I come out then no, no I did not and for reasons way beyond my knowledge I don’t know why I didn’t say the truth then. Well I do! what would they say? would the instantly assume I’m gay not Bi? or is it just the fact that I’d be heading into the unknown (ding ding ding thats a major one right there!)

Let’s jump forward to now, I came out to a friends dad after a dinner party and his response was “I had a thought you might be” really!? in my head but come to think about it I wear a pride watchband, I’m openly telling my male friends how good they look (and female friends I may add!) and I suppose being in a new land meeting new people they see the new me the me that doesn’t shy away the person who is a changed man and people back home would think I’m acting strange but now looking back, I was acting strange then and didn’t know it! But yes my name is Ciarán and I’m Bi-Sexual and proud!

 

**Side Note**

Bi-Sexuality to the world is a funky fucker! what is it really now to me I’ll explain how I see it in my eyes.

For me I’m more sexually attracted to females but I find the emotional bond hard to make I can make friendships easy but I just can’t seem to find that emotional connection I desire, But with a male it’s quite the opposite I’m attracted physically to males but not all (duhhh, and not like porn star body’s I now see how females hate being sexualised) But i’m significantly more picky! but I feel I can respond emotionally better to a male I feel a bond that I’m happy with, Now back to my obsession with TV dramas I want a future like Cam and Mitch from Modern Family but with either a male or female I just want that happy relationship that others are happy to be around! back to reality… Yeah I suppose that’s me and what will make me happy male/female who really cares as long as ol’ Ciarán is happy over here

 

*life advise*

GO AND BE FUCKING HAPPY, Don’t do what I did and hide behind a fake barrier and not be you, It will suck and I know I might loose people in my life but that’s life kids you can’t please everybody but you can give it a bloody good shot!

 

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Author: stokelton

University drop out, went to South East Asia for 21 days and now living in Canada, What the fuck happened I have no idea! But join me as I share my tales!

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